Who Wants A Colonoscopy For Christmas? or A Post Of Sunshine And Puppies

A few weeks ago I had my follow up to discuss the results of my CT. The good news: the CT scan found nothing abnormal. The bad news: I still feel like I got effing stabbed. By the way the title to this post is an actual quote from my Gastroenterologist. She said basically the next step is to have an endoscopy and/or colonoscopy. It was amazing by the time she finished the sentence I was cured? Not really but I lied and said it was getting better. I promised her that if it got worse I would see someone in Sarasota. So that is that. So my plan now is to basically wish my stabbing pain away.

Today was my second day of work at the new job. It was a very hard day. My boss has basically released me into the job with absolutely no training. And I mean none. Not only do I not know anything, I don't know who to ask to get the information. Thankfully the other SM is being a huge help. Without her I really would have walked out today. We will see how it goes. The problem is this theatre is ultra-organized and everything is run by the-most-complex-computer-network-known-to-man. I am being serious. Today I clicked on the wrong thing and I think I launched the space shuttle. Seriously it is complex and, of course, since I am a Mac user the entire system is PC based. The other joy is that the SM *ahem* office has the two oldest computers I have ever seen. The office is really more of an alcove and our team of 2 SM's and 4 interns all use it. I think most prisoners in Florida jail's have more office space than I do. Speaking of offices. The admin office is basically a big room for the assistants and interns surrounded by glass walled offices for the big wigs. It is painted in very dark earth tones and the lighting system is all low hanging lights right over the desks. Basically it seems quite dark when you enter it from outside. All that's missing is a glass shaking bass line and the place could be a club. Then there are the people who work there. Each more beautiful than the next. I mean these people are gorgeous. And dressed like they are headed to a Vogue photoshoot. Everytime I go in there I feel like a bouncer is going to throw me out 'cause I'm not pretty enough. There is a guy who works on the far end (I have no clue which department) but he seriously could side-line as a model for GQ. It is absurd. For the last two days I have been feeling like the ugliest of ugly ducklings. Finally I said something to a couple of the SM interns and apparently everyone on the tech staff feels insufficiently attractive when compared to the Admin staff. Thank gods it isn't only me. We will see how it goes but thus far I am very nervous about the following nine months.

They Don't Know

Jenn's recent nostalgia kick has inspired my own. I actually had a dream about He-Man and She-Ra last night. My brother gave me the first volume of Voltron on DVD and that has really fueled a passion for recalling my childhood. I love terrible 80's animation. I can't speak for anyone else in my terribly in-between generation but I do not know where I would be without the lessons learned every afternoon on the television: Thundercats, Voltron, Silverhawks, He-Man, Gummi Bears.
If you think about it they are all about surviving. All of them are basically the same idea: a special enclave of people (or cats, or whatever the hell the thundercats were) surviving on their own. Facing life on your own terms. Of course He-Man which is basically about being gay. I mean, really. Prince Adam's secret life as a leather daddy is pretty obvious to even the most dull 8 year-old and the sword, please you could not pick a more phallic symbol for him.
I wanted to be a Gummi Bear so bad it kind of bordered on a personality disorder. It wasn't so much the gummiberry juice, though that would have been cool. It was the buried the gummi cities and miles and miles of those primitive gummi bear subways! How cool would that be? To have a whole city to yourself? Awesome!

Speaking of nostalgia I spent today dancing around my apartment rocking out to this:

Caveat Lector

This post is going to be a huge mess. I am sadly deficient in the writing of narrative posts. Erika is an absolute master at them. I suck. I used to spend huge amounts of time fretting over the particular wording of posts but now I figure "what the hell?" it's not like the pulitzer committee is knocking on my door.
This is how my last week went. Sunday morning around 4am I was awakened my the sound of my mother crying in agony. Mom had been having some back pain earlier in the week. It had progressed to the point she was basically begging us to let her lay there and die. Of course a scene ensued. Mom didn't want to go the ER and Dad wanted to do what she wanted. Finally I put my foot down and starting issuing commands and thankfully the family listened. We took her to the ER and discovered she had a kidney stone and a slight infection. So lots of Vicodin and anti-biotics. Mom was comfortable for the week but unfortunately she needed a lot of attention and so I wasn't able to pack for the move.
Tuesday following that I had my CT scan. Which was so humiliating. First of all I had to wake up two hours before the test to drink the barium. For those of you who have never had a GI series it is very difficult to explain the taste. It is this milky liquid that is really sweet (mine was flavored like berries) but is a suspension of barium sulfate. So basically you are drinking an earth metal milkshake. And your body knows it is not something you are supposed to be imbibing. It was really hard not to gag. I failed to notice that the doctor had also ordered the test with x-ray contrast. Which means that they inject an iodine mixture into your veins. I was so freaked out when the told me I had to have an IV put in before the test I didn't even think about the massive amount of sperm killing radiation flowing into my body. The absolute high point of the morning was when the actually injected the dye. I have had x-ray dye before, but never on a power infusion like that. It made very, very sick to my stomach. Thankfully I managed to not vomit but I came really close. There is nothing more humiliating that sitting in a room with your pants around your ankles heaving surrounded by strangers. Thankfully all of the nurses and technicians were incredibly kind. That was a small mercy. Other than that the CT was kind of fun, you basically ride back and forth through the middle of a huge radioactive donut.
My dad has been freaking out about the drive to Sarasota for about a month. No joke by the time we actually drove south we had probably had 10 or 12 family meetings about which way to get to I-95. So the day before the drive I stayed up until about 1:30 packing. I got up at 4:30 to prep the truck and pack the essentials left. My brother and I had decided that he and I would drive the first leg because Dad's crew has been working till 1am each morning so he hasn't been getting to bed until 2:30. All in all the first day of driving went well. Although at one point I was in the passenger's seat of the rental truck with Dad driving and (I swear I am not making this up) I woke up after a half-hour nap and he was driving half in the lane and half out and the radio was playing static. Seriously. We stopped in Georgia for the night and in my parent's infinite wisdom they only got 1 hotel room. So all four of the Halls bunked in together for the night. I won't go into too much detail but I will say I glimpsed my only little private hell that night. To top it off my mother woke and started getting ready for the next day at 4:30am.
We made it to Sarasota completely intact. No major fights. Although returning the rental truck was a bit of adventure due to some bad directions. But all in all a mostly pleasant trip.
As we got further and further south in Florida I kept getting more and more nervous. Florida is basically one big tourist trap, with a little truck stop thrown in for good measure. Sarasota is, however, much different. It is a gorgeous city. I am trying very hard to not fall in love before I start my job. But man it is gorgeous here. Maybe the fact that it is December and I have my windows open is seducing me but I really like this city. I hope the job is a right fit. This could be a really good thing. But I will try not to get my hopes up.